Several months ago I began writing as an outlet to share topics that I felt God had placed on my heart. At the time our family lived in Germany. Soon after my little project began we prepared for not only another move but one that would take us half way across the globe to Hawaii. My “calling” soon fell to the wayside behind searching for a new home, getting our family settled in a new location, unpacking the mountain of boxes that arrived holding all of our worldly possessions and fighting the ‘lost’ feeling of being in a new place and feeling as if I were completely starting over. I even lost the password to my original site and had to start again (which is why you see that my original posts are “re-posted.”) All the while I KNEW I heard God whispering: “You need to write. You need to write…” I battled with believing that I had too much to do. As if taking a few minutes to type out what was on my heart at the time was selfish of me or that it would take my attention away from something more important. I told myself that I would write once the boxes were unpacked, once the house was decorated, once everyone was settled. Excuse after excuse after excuse. Then I realized how much time I was wasting on my favorite social networking site. I say wasting because I wasn’t using time on it to connect or keep up with friends. No, I was playing games! At least an hour a day had been spent tending to pretend crops and completing tasks for my virtual kingdom all while my own REAL tomato plant suffers outside from not enough water! I was embarrassed to say the least. No one knew of course, except God. No one was making fun of me, condemning me, judging me but I was beating myself up for a number of reasons. I was losing valuable time that I should have used to be productive for my family but also I could no longer use the lack of time as an excuse to NOT write for Christ. The time was there, I just had to do it.
So why hadn’t I been writing? Why had I allowed myself more time to come up with reasons NOT to write rather than putting my thoughts into words to share? Easy. It was fear.
Fear had allowed me to convince myself that I’m not worthy to share what Christ has done for me, or done in my life because I’m not living up to my potential. Who would want to read the words of a wife and mother about BEING a wife and mother when she has dirty dishes in the sink? Whose laundry is in the dryer for 20 more minutes because she was too lazy to take them out when the timer sounded. What could she possibly have to offer other women? My only answer comes from Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever (NIV).
I fail DAILY. I would LOVE to say that I am already a Proverbs 31 woman and I have reached my fullest potential and am maintaining my reign of perfection but the truth is that each day I start all over again. Knowing that what God intends for me to be, even with the unfolded laundry on the bed, is a work in progress. He is still working on me and can still use even as I grow in Him. Unlike me, who finds excuses and tells myself that I can’t be productive until everything else is just right, He knows that my greatest gifts come as I learn to achieve who He created me to be. I believe, at least for the moment, my gift is encouraging others that they don’t have to already be perfect in order for God to use them in the lives of others either. And so I write. Knowing that I have dishes to do, laundry to fold, a tomato plant to water I am not a lost cause and neither are you. This is my WHOLE story in Christ as it is continued because my story will never stop. We are designed to constantly strive to mature in His will and I hope you will come along on my journey to know Him more. So where ever you are, no matter what the house looks like, with or without makeup, remember that God WANTS to use each of us just as we are. He knows our hearts and even when “my flesh and my heart may fail” He is still my strength. Let Him be yours too.